Today is the 4th of July, also known as Freedom Day, a day where people around the world express their admiration of the glorious American people and their great nation where everyone is free to live a Life of Liberty whilst pursuing Happiness.

A proper Freedom Day is of course kickstarted with a 15 minute prayer, chanting the The Star-Spangled Banner (or the Defence of Fort McHenry as purists may like to call it), head turned towards Washington D.C. This is a very important step in the liturgy so I advise against skipping it.

The highlight of the morning, however, is of course the ceremonial banquet—consisting mostly of hamboigahs, hot dogs (corn dogs are also accepted), Freedom fries covered in corn syrup (important, as they assure a healthy meat-veggie balance), T-bone steaks and a large soda/pop.

Naturally, after the ceremonial banquet, it’s time to exercise your fundamental rights at the local church shooting range. Don’t use up too much of your gunpowder, though—remember to save some for tonight! Todays preferred practice targets are the Jihad Joe (dummy modeled after a Middle-Eastern gentleman) and the Froggy Fag (live Frenchman). All that shooting wears on you after a while, so by now it’s time to refuel your liberty by once again holding the ceremonial banquet. This time, however, you must replace the fizzy drinks with Bud Light, Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels.

When you and your party are sufficiently inebriated, the time has come to set up the fireworks. Remember, bigger explosions will result in more liberty during the year, so make sure you annihilate every nighttime bird tonight. You should keep firing rockets at the sky (attempt to hit the moon! it’s yours anyway) until about 4am, when ceremonial festivities come to an end.

I believe this is a decent introduction to celebrating Freedom Day, but feel free to send in any corrections or suggestions you may have.

Stay Free, friends!

Disclaimer: this post is made possible by entirely Free (as in Freedom) software.